Complicated

This is one of my realist moments I have ever shared with anyone...

I am a good boyfriend but I am not the best that I can be. The way I love and care for people cannon't be measured. In a relationship these feelings are intensified. Yet it doesn't justify me or the negative actions I carry. The hurt and pain I have gained from past relationships still play important factors in my life, but I can't continue to let them control my life. I have to work on trust. I never had someone that was just down for me the way you are. I have always had to play the game of Contender. Hell, I had to do that for us in the beginning. It just bothers me that I can never go for someone and everyone and their uncle, momma, brother, daddy, roommate, sister, neighbor or high school principal not be after them. I appreciate the flattery that I have exquisite taste but it sets me back and makes me feel insecure. Always having to prove something to people who don't matter or play inspector gadget looking for something. I was told that " if you go looking for something, don't be hurt by what you find". Yes this is like a double edge sword because it can protect me, but while I am so busy protecting me...I hurt you. I put in your heart and mind that I don't trust you. Even though that may not even be the case it is what is portrayed. I am a LEO and that is not an excuse for being bossy.A true leader is able to lead, follow, and listen. I know I over step my boundaries a lot of the time and the helpful gestures turn into bossy demands. I am your boyfriend, your lover, your best friend. Not your boss or your secretary. As much as I want to protect you from making mistakes, you have to because they are your mistakes and you learn a different lesson that what I can teach you. I have to control this KNOW IT ALL ATTITUDE I play Jekyll and Hyde with because I don't know everything and I can't take offense when I am corrected. If I can bark out a order or command then I need to be able to take it as well. I can't force you to be with me all of the time or rely on you solely to wipe away all my tears or solve all my problems. It's not fair for you to have that burden, pressure or stress. I should be able to come to you with my problems but still have a close circle of friends who are also there for me. I have robbed them and I have robbed myself of the experiences, stories and advice (whether I take it or not). Not handling my business put a stress on our relationship and started to drown you. Yeah I have had my hand out to help you but it feels like I had the other one keeping you down. I do apologize and I am working on being a better person, not just for you but for me. Who knows how many other relationships I have let unravel because I was too blind and foolish to admit there was a problem with me. The amazing thing is that flaws and all you love me. I only pray that it is not too late and your love hasn't faded or the flame hasn't flickered out.

***God continue to bless me and humble me that I become the man you destined me to be...Amen ***